


a good, honest man

by pendules



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Apologies, Confessions, M/M, Reconciliation, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 04:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11283984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: Maybe he's no better than Bray. Buying in to his own delusions. That believing himself to be good can somehowmakehim good.





	a good, honest man

**Author's Note:**

> Set after RAW 19/06/2017, in which [Bray calls out Seth's hypocrisy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKPFNMWH0C4) and [Dean gets beaten up by bears](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTkn6rnb5k4). Yeah.

Dean texts him occasionally now. It's always completely random shit, or weirdly personal shit, or almost flirtatious shit. Sometimes all three at once. Maybe it's when he's drunk. Or maybe it's better to just pretend that he is. Then he won't think too much about what it means.

He's back at his hotel room after he takes out Bray when his phone vibrates.

 _u look good in that trailer_

So _flirty_ tonight, he guesses. Maybe Miz just drove his head a little too hard into the canvas, Seth tells himself.

_thanks. you looked good in that bear suit last week._

_asshole_

It feels almost fond, though. Seth smirks.

_i mean it._

Dean doesn't respond to that, just sends back: _hows your face_

It honestly feels like just his luck that the day he's announced as the cover of a damn video game is the very same day he has to get three stitches put in his face.

_it'll heal. scars are supposed to be sexy, right?_

Dean should know; he has enough of his own. He used to tell stories of how he got all of them in the wee hours of the morning when they were sharing a hotel room bed and still too wired from the night's action to sleep.

 _how's your head?_ he adds before Dean can read too much into that. Even though he was the one who started this in the first place. 

_hurts like a fucker. i can't believe i got beat up by two dudes in bear suits, man_

_i don't know. seems like the kind of thing that would happen to you._

_asshole_

Seth smiles for real this time.

_you should get some rest._

_still trying to take care of me, huh_

That causes a funny sensation in Seth's stomach.

_well, if i don't then who will?_

_i don't know. i managed to survive without you before_

Seth feels a pang of regret now.

_i know._

_you're prob right though. i'm beat. i'll see you tomorrow or something_

_night, dean._

_night_

*

Lying's always come all too easily to Seth. Maybe he's still lying. To himself. About being better than who he used to be. About owning up to his mistakes. Maybe Bray's right: he's just playing a part. The good, honest man that doesn't really exist. Has never really existed. He just wants to believe his lies so badly, that he can move on, be someone else, make a better future.

Maybe he's no better than Bray. Buying in to his own delusions. That believing himself to be good can somehow _make_ him good.

The fans telling him he deserves it felt _good_ , felt like the recognition he's always wanted, but it felt empty a second later. Because _they're_ just buying in to his lies too. Maybe they really _do_ believe in him; maybe he can tell himself over and over that he's worthy of that, that he can live up to it. But the truth is — 

The truth is: there's no washing his sins away, not in holy water, or blood, or sweat, or tears. It's a black mark on his soul.

*

Seth arrives back at the hotel after his morning session at the gym and almost walks straight into Dean Ambrose as he's leaving through the front doors.

"Hey," Seth says, looking up at him, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He's not sure what to do with his hands, or body, or anything at all when Dean's standing about two feet in front of him.

"Hey, man, how's it going?" Dean says, as cool as ever.

"Okay," he lies. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing much, man. Was just going for a walk around the block." Dean gets antsy, holed up in hotel rooms with nothing much to do; he knows this from experience. 

"Wanna come with?" he adds, and it's actually not too unexpected, given everything that's happened in the last couple weeks.

He feels like he can't say anything but yes to that offer right now, so he nods and follows Dean down the sidewalk.

"So, why'd you start texting me?" Seth asks, as casually as possible when they've established a steady pace.

"I don't know, man. I used to want to — _before_ , I mean, but I figured you'd just block me."

"What did you want to say?" he asks, bracing for the worst.

"Usual stuff. Pathetic stuff."

"You _weren't_ pathetic," Seth tells him, quiet but firm.

"Well, at least I got over it," Dean says with a shrug.

"Did you, really?" Seth asks carefully. _Did you get over_ me _?_ he wants to ask, selfishly, shamefully.

"Nah, not really."

"What about _now_?"

"I don't know. Maybe I figured you could use a friend. So, _still_ pathetic, really."

" _Friend_?" Seth echoes, perplexed. "You want to be _friends_?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Why, though?"

"I just — I know more than anyone that all of _this_ — it kind of sucks when you're on your own."

"It's _my_ fault, though. All of that —"

"Yeah, but I'm kind of sick of being controlled by the past. Aren't you?"

They pause for a second, just looking at each other, Dean wistfully, Seth almost disbelievingly. Dean reaches out and lightly grazes his thumb over the bandaid on his cheek, almost like he can't help himself.

Seth just stares at him, wide-eyed, nods dazedly. 

"Bray has a way of using your own demons against you," Dean says. "But he's not right. They don't have to hold you back. They can make you stronger."

Looking at Dean now is like looking at someone who's been through it all, everything the universe can possibly throw at him, but who's somehow made it through the other side. Worn-down and beaten-up and betrayed and tossed aside, but he survived all of it. He pulled himself back up every single time he was knocked down. He kept coming back even when there was nothing left to fight for. Nothing but his own soul and pride and self-worth. Dean's the realest, most honest person he's ever met. And some part of him still believes that Seth could be that too — can find the real human being under all the fancy words and posturing and bravado.

They walk the rest of the way around the block in comfortable silence, Seth feeling a newfound sense of lightness and peace.

When they're standing back in front of the hotel, Seth turns to give him an imploring look.

"Don't stop, okay? The texts, I mean."

Dean nods, and then his expression grows more serious.

"You know you can tell me anything you want, right? No judgement or anything."

Seth considers that for a moment. 

"Maybe I'll take you up on that," he says, and he finds that he's not telling a lie. For once.

*

It's almost 2am and he can't sleep and he lets out a frustrated sigh before reaching over for his phone. Two can play at this game, he supposes. And honesty has to start somewhere. Maybe it's easier like this, typing it out, not being able to take it back once he's sent it.

 _can i tell you something?_ he taps out quickly and hits the send button before he can rethink it.

Dean's awake because _of course he is_ and he takes all of a minute to reply.

_shoot_

_i feel like a liar._ He lets out a heavy breath the moment he presses 'send.'

 _okay_ is all Dean texts back. It feels like _Okay, I'm listening_ , so he goes on.

_every week i go out there and i say this stuff and i'm not sure i really believe it anymore._

_like what?_

_i'm not a good person._

_who is, really?_ It's a total _Dean_ kind of answer, but it's not the kind of help he needs right now.

_shut up. you know what i mean._

_no i'm serious. who actually is a good person?_

_well. you._

_yeah okay man._ Seth can imagine the sardonic look on his face at this exact moment.

_I'M serious. you're the best person i've probably ever known._

_that's only because you've spent too much time hanging out with some grade-A scumbags_

Well, Dean's not wrong. Not really.

_i mean it. you're good and honest and i'm just a fraud._

_you haven't lied to me though_

Seth frowns at the screen. _what do you mean?_

_i mean, you haven't given me any bullshit apologies or empty promises that you didn't mean_

It takes him more than a few minutes to put the next one into words, because it's what's been eating at him for months and months now.

_the only reason i haven't said sorry is because i don't know if i deserve your forgiveness._

And there it is. All out in the open.

 _so you ARE sorry?_ Dean sends back after presumably a minute or two of just absorbing that.

_of course i'm sorry. i've been sorry for a long time. but it doesn't make a difference._

_yeah it does_

_really?_

_it does to me_

Seth's still confused, is the thing. Dean's texts and strange comments about being friends — it could mean anything, or it could mean nothing. It could just be a gigantic mind-fuck. He wouldn't put it past Dean to start this whole thing — making him feel like it's old times again, maybe even being completely genuine about it — just to pull the rug out from under him eventually. Not that he won't deserve that. He just needs to _know_ , for sure.

_the fans gave me a second chance. what about you?_

Seth almost holds his breath. It seems to take forever before Dean's answer appears.

_i never stopped caring about you, you know. even when i hated you._

Seth closes his eyes, exhales. The relief seems to almost pour out of him.

_i'm not going to make you any empty promises. but thank you. for being you. and i'm gonna try every day to be worthy of their faith. and yours._

It may sound trite and cheesy, but it feels like the most truthful thing he's said in a long time.

_i hope you find whatever you're looking for, seth._

There's a part of him that thinks maybe he already has, already did a long time ago, but he was just too much of a fool to realise when it was standing right in front of him.

*

Seth finds him in the locker room before a show, taping up his hands. He just looks at him from the doorway for a few moments before Dean turns his head and notices him there and he slowly comes closer.

Seth stares down at Dean's hands instead of looking up at his face.

"Did you mean what you said — before, I mean. About being friends?"

"Yeah, I mean, if you'd be into that."

"I don't know if I am," Seth says honestly, meeting his gaze now.

"Yeah?" Dean asks, obviously trying to mask some bit of disappointment.

Seth shakes his head. "No, I don't think I want to be _just_ friends with you," he tells him, making sure his meaning is absolutely clear.

Dean just stares at him incredulously. "Really?"

"Who's pathetic now, right?" Seth says with a wry smile.

Dean raises his eyebrows at him. "Seriously? I've only been flirting with you for _weeks_ now," he says matter-of-factly.

"I _knew_ I wasn't just imagining that," Seth exclaims, almost triumphantly.

Dean rolls his eyes. "See, looks like we're _both_ pathetic."

"I'm okay with that, I think," Seth says, looking him straight in the eyes.

Dean steps closer to him, reaches out to rest a warm, gentle hand on his waist, gives him a ghost of a smile. "Yeah, me too."


End file.
